I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
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