if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
