My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
So drunk its hurt
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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