If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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