That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
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his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
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Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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