there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
