I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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