i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
