I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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