i was born a porn star she said
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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