I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
