I'm going to jail i love you
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
