My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
where are my pants?
in the oven.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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