I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
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Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
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I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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