Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
