Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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