i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
