Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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