the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
We need to rekindle our bromance
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
