My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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