You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
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