I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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