I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
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