The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
