I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
