3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
