grandma shit on top of the toilet
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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