the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
