i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
