How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
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We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
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Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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