You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
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His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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