i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
