That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
