is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Randomize
