I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
