gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
