you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I have so many feelings about this burrito
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
