There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
