remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Randomize
