So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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