I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Just pee around me
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
