A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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