Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
