I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
