He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
