I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
