my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
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