I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
