he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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