when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
