I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
