Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
We were destined to go to rehab together
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
