I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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