Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
