I wish you could order shots online.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
