You don't have asthma, your pregnant
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
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I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
It's official drugs can't kill me
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
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I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
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