I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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