I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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