It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
