If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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