Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
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